Boring mid-American couple keeps up with new norms

Boring mid-American couple keeps up with new norms

by John Silento

For Jack Jones and his wife Katie, “normal” was something long taken for granted.

“We had brown hair, a college education, and no one protested our right to get married,” Jack Jones explained. “We were the norm.”

But over the last few years, the Joneses say they feel more like the exception, and have begun to wonder if something is missing.

“We felt… boring,” Katie Jones said. “Like we didn’t matter—we were just some heterosexual, monogamous, traditional-gendered couple from Iowa, and that just wasn’t enough.”

Both Joneses admitted they get their news from sites such as CNN.com and NPR.org—and in light of an increased focus on diverse forms of sexuality, including transgenderism and polyamory, their “boring old marriage” had lost its luster.

“When we’re making love, I find myself thinking how neat it would be to have like five different men that love me,” Katie admitted, seemingly for the first time.

Jack, looking simultaneously surprised and relieved, piped up, “It’s the same for me, but it’s really more like 30 or 40 women!”

Sexual norms in society change fast, Jack pointed out, and the Joneses have struggled to keep up. “I was on the verge of deciding to be gay,” Jack explained, “And then bisexualism came in style. So I started gearing up for that, but then the big thing was transgenderism.” Some have accused him of  insincerity, of simply following the prevailing winds of the moment, but Jack says even if that is true, he should not be blamed for it. “I was born this way,” he said, referencing a Lady GaGa song.

Jack says he and Katie finally settled on a solution that works for them: “I’m a double transgender male,” Jack explained, “Which means I was born male, but a part of me feels female. But part of the female part of me feels male. So that saved me money on the sex change.”

Katie says she is a qualified pansexual and selective bisexual. “Pansexual means I find everything arousing,” she explained accurately. “But Jack is my everything. I feel like I see him everywhere I look. So really, it’s just Jack arousing me everywhere I go.” As for the selective bisexualism: “I just haven’t found the right girl yet,” Katie said. “I honestly don’t know if she’s out there, but if she is, I think we could find ourselves moving into a very exciting polyamorous marriage!”

Jack says the female part of him is actually heterosexual, and therefore finds such a proposal repulsive—then he backtracks and says that it might be fine for some people, but his female identity is “not into that.” However, the majority male part of him is noticeably excited by Katie’s proposition. “Yeah, that would be fine,” he said cooly, trying to suppress a grin.

The Joneses call this their “new normal,” and they say it has brought increased confidence into their careers, and intrigue into the bedroom.

“Nothing is off-limits for us anymore,” Katie gushed. “Knowing our lovemaking is on the forefront of the sexual revolution… That’s just exciting!”

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3 Responses to Boring mid-American couple keeps up with new norms

  1. lawyerbevil says:

    Albeit parody, it is still “coarse jesting” and “corrupt communication” -

    • I would argue I’m following in the tradition of Elijah on Mt. Carmel.
      Song of Solomon presents far more graphic sexual imagery than my parodical article does. And I think coarseness is apropos for our current cultural milieu. It’s Tartuffe-ish, and I think far better than a lofty rant (of which I’m almost instantly capable) about cultural decay.

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